Florida Catholic | Bereavement :: Sharing Grief Helps

FIRST PERSON

Sharing grief helps members live on

ANNE M. SCHUKNECHT | SPECIAL TO THE FLORIDA CATHOLIC

Published: 10.05.07

Marty Balado and Lee Connolly share a hug at a meeting of the bereavement support group at St. Thomas the Apostle Parish in Homosassa.
PHOTO | ANNE M. SCHUKNECHT

HOMOSASSA | It’s difficult to write about a bereavement group. What happens? Why do people go? Does it really help? So, I asked 16 people at a recent meeting of the group to which I belong at St. Thomas the Apostle Parish here to say three things about our group — good and bad.

The one I liked best was "This group is so helpful. At first, I didn’t think so." Another poignant remark was "I hated to come; I’m so glad I did. I have friends now. I can cry and not be alone. I have someone to laugh with."

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Someone else said, "I feel better knowing I’m not the only one. I’m not alone. I’m learning good things from other peoples’ experiences." And last, but not least, "I’m not a group-type person. I really didn’t like the first two times I came. In fact, I wasn’t going to come back. Then, I realized, the only people who seemed to understand and appreciate how miserable I feel are the people in the Thursday group. Needless to say, the third time was a charm. I’ve found happiness again."

The pastor of St. Thomas Catholic Church, Father Ron Marecki, said, "I encourage many people to come. This group is a good and helpful experience."

Fifteen years have gone by since the first bereavement group started at St. Thomas and not much has changed. We’re always open — never missed a Thursday in 15 years, including Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Eve. Many years ago on a Thursday, all the doors were locked. No problem: We sat down on the floor of the front porch and met. (Getting up was another story!) Recently, we were locked out again; however, never a thought about not meeting. We got it together outside in the heat with the lawnmower going — not real fun — but we had our meeting. It’s so important to come together, no matter what happens.

And the reason is that grief is work. Each week we hand out an updated telephone directory and encourage calling and just chatting. It’s a real boost to the ego to get a call from a group member — “somebody liked me enough to call.” We don’t necessarily do the same thing every week. What we do and how we are depends on how the week went, the number of people at the meeting and what people are feeling at the moment.

We usually start the meeting with some great jokes. It’s wonderful to be with people who don’t want to forget how to laugh and enjoy, even if they feel a little or a lot guilty about being alive and laughing. By the way, many group members cast aspersions on our jokes. It seems they’re either really funny or groaners and moaners. Members e-mail many of the jokes to help out.

After the jokes, we read something inspirational and talk about it. Group members do the reading. The inspirational readings are filled with examples of faith and hope; positive attitudes; overcoming, surviving and thriving; the kindness of people; the genuine love that strangers show each other; the value of a smile. The list is endless. There is nothing better than the personal witness of loving virtue to encourage us to hang in there. We believe in the power of a loving God and that we are made in his image and likeness. Therefore we are made for love, to love and be loved.

We work at understanding the intellectual side of grief. We cover such topics as one day at a time, attitude, sorrow, loneliness, aloneness, anger, guilt, making a new life, happiness, God, acceptance, stress, depression, drugs, living alone, dating, sexuality, friendship, living with someone, giving, pain, suffering, finances, moving, health insurance and plumbing.

Every week a new handout presents material for thought, discussion and sharing. During this learning time there is a lot of sharing, hugging, kissing, touching and praying — some of the many “ings” necessary for living a full and happy life, to becoming a free and independent person, single or married.

At the end of each meeting, we gather together in a circle and mention the names of people we want to lift up in prayer: family, friends and those who have no one to pray for them We pray the Our Father. After our "amen," we turn to each other for hugs and kisses, for kind words and loving looks.

We do “Homosassa stuff,” such covered-dish lunches, a Thanksgiving dinner in February (Do you know a better time?), Mardi Gras parties with a queen dressed in beads throwing doubloons riding in a float (decorated wheelchair) and quietly stepping into the church at Christmas to look at the baby angels.

At the end of a meeting, all of us feel touched by God. We feel better, lighter, younger, happier, more loved and more liked. We feel these things because we are more. We are more because of the unconditional love that is given so freely and so generously. Each one of us is precious in the eyes of God and in each others’ eyes. Love makes the world go round (especially in our group) and it makes (creates) each one of us. Join us and be created more.

Schuknecht belongs to the bereavement group that meets every Thursday, 1:30 p.m., at St. Thomas the Apostle Parish, St. Martin’s Hall, 7040 S. Suncoast Blvd., Homosassa. For more info, call 352-628-7000.

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