Florida Catholic | A ‘Third Option’ For Healthy Marriages

A ‘third option’ for healthy marriages

The Third Option is a national, ongoing group program designed to build healthier marriages.

AMY FERRARA SMITH | FLORIDA CATHOLIC STAFF

Published: 02.22.08

The latest round of 14 Third Option marriage enhancement workshops began Feb. 21. Workshops will take place each Thursday from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. in the Kirwan Room at St. Joseph Parish, 133 W. Intendencia St., Pensacola. Participants can drop in beginning with any session they choose. Both spouses need not participate. For information call Dan Berube at 850-458-7727.

PENSACOLA | Dan Berube and his wife, Mary, started attending The Third Option workshop when their marriage needed a boost. After much progress in the development of their 31-year-old relationship, the Berubes became a mentor couple to others seeking marital advice. Now, five and a half years after his wife died, Berube still guides both young and old couples through the program in their search for healthy, loving marriages.

“I think that every week I go, it’s like going to Mass for me,” said Berube, who lives in the Pensacola area. “I’m always willing to learn.”

Started in 1988 by Pat Ennis of Syracuse, N.Y., The Third Option is a national, ongoing group program designed to build healthier marriages. While many couples view marriage as “his way” or “her way,” Ennis’ program offers a third option to help couples balance their relationship.

“Marriage is like a mobile,” said Ennis. “If you pluck one off, it changes the balance. Even if one (member of the couple) comes to the program, they learn something new. They then act differently. It changes the relationship.”

Ennis began The Third Option in response to a friend’s divorce, which she considered “unnecessary.” A social worker by profession, Ennis sought to help other couples strengthen their relationships before they entered the courtroom. She obtained grant money to put together the program’s patchwork pieces under the stipulation that if it worked, she would create a manual to be distributed around the country. Although Ennis’ Catholic family life influenced the workshop, churches and persons of various faiths across the United States use it as a means to deepen marital relationships.

Pensacola, however, was the first to organize a Third Option group outside of the pilot area, according to Ennis.

“Looking at the reality of marriage today,” said Louise Ritz, director of family life for the Diocese of Pensacola-Tallahassee, “there is a high divorce rate and an even higher rate of cohabitation prior to marriage. This program has been developed to provide a means to navigate those stages of change which couples will experience as they live their marriage. It provides a safe, secure place to foster skills and heighten respect for each other.”

Now Berube volunteers his knowledge about the program and his experience as a husband to help other Pensacola-area couples find that third option.

“We had two educators attend who said that after years of seeing counselors, this was the only program that worked,” said Berube.

At first, he continued, the couple took advantage of the anonymity of the program. But now, they are telling others about the positive effects of The Third Option.

One couple in the program years ago was on the edge, said Ennis. “They became a mentor couple, but were very anonymous. Then over time, they got so excited about it that they told everyone.” Ennis said the couple for a year wore buttons that read: Ask me about The Third Option.

According to Ennis, The Third Option differs from many marriage programs in that it’s a solid, research-based educational program that accepts no money. The inclusion of mentors is another added advantage of The Third Option, she said. Participants can talk about their problems with people who have also had past marriage challenges, and they don’t have to pick a single weekend in which to do that; the program is ongoing. Although its goal is to help better couples’ relationships, it is not uncommon for either the husband or wife to attend alone.

The workshop follows a two-hour format that can vary slightly depending on the size of the group. During the first hour, each new person attends an orientation, which includes a mentor couple’s talk about their experiences with marital problems. After a break, they join the returning participants for the second half of the workshop. During this hour, mentors help participants learn about one of 14 topics, such as communication skills, through the use of games and skits. A second mentor couple then talks about their own mistakes and the ways in which they have improved upon them. When the session is over, each person receives a worksheet with two self-inventory questions. If a new couple returns the following week, they skip the first hour’s orientation and jump into a support group where participants have the option to share what they are practicing in their marriage.

“I’m proud of all of the couples that it’s helped,” said Ennis. “It has not only helped couples who just want happier marriages, but also those who are on the brink.”

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A ‘third option’ for healthy marriages

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